Fix You
by blackatt
Summary: A few months into their mission Kirk reflects on how things have changed, who he can talk to more importently who he can't and unrequited loves. Slash pairings Kirk/Spock, Sulu/Chekov and mentions Spock/Uhura


**Title: **Fix You  
**Author: **Blackatt  
**Pairings:** Jim Kirk/Spock (mentions of) Nyota Uhura/Spock and (background) Hikaru Sulu/Pavel Chekov  
**Warnings:** There is angst (cos I'm a moody teenager and couldn't help myself) but there's also fluff (cos I'm a romantic at heart)  
**A/N: **Well this is my first go at a Star Trek fic and my first new one in about a month (it's actually an old one I just got round to finishing) so please review and tell me how I've done even if it's just to say I suck. Anyway on with the show

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It's a few months into their five-year mission, everyone had gotten use to each others quirks. Like, you don't bad mouth the ship around Scotty, you don't bad mouth Kirk around Spock or Bones (being dressed down thoroughly in public was never fun and hyposprays hurt!) and you most defiantly don't upset one Pavel Chekov unless you want to be on the receiving end of Hikaru Sulu's temper. These lessons were quickly learned by all, especially the one about Chekov, for all the niceness and genius of the boy people still thought it okay to insult him. No one is really sure what happened, the men won't tell and Sulu refuses to comment on it but the Security men who insulted Chekov were found unconscious in a deserted hallway beaten to a pulp.

The Captain did try and find out who did it, he was almost certain that it was Hikaru but with no evidence he couldn't punish him (not that he would) he understood why he had done it, if he did. Chekov was the youngest member of his crew, he wanted to make sure that nothing happened to him, he still owed the seventeen-year old for saving his life on the Romulan drill. He knew how close he and the other helmsman were, turns out that Sulu is a reflective drunk, telling Kirk all about him having to stop Chekov from being beaten up the first time they met. From then on they were friends and roommates in the academy, every story had a hint of fondness attached to it.

Ever since that night Kirk knew that Sulu cared for Chekov deeply, more than just friendship, but knowing his pilot and his honour he wouldn't tell the Russian as he thought he might lose his friendship. Though he would never admit it, Kirk was jealous of that. Sulu and Chekov had inside jokes, they could finish each others sentences, they could hold an entire conversation in one look.

Jim never had that, sure he and Bones had jokes but they were old jokes everyone knew, he wanted someone to care for him that deeply, to defend him like that. But he wouldn't hold his breath for that, no one cared about him before why should they start now? Of course he knew his mother loved him but she could barely look at him, he looked so much like his father. Bones loved him as a brother but he sees Kirk as reckless with the amount of times he's ended up in sickbay. Every time he thought of this, his mind kept coming back to one name.

Spock. That one name stirs up so much in him. Hate. Anger. Passion. Protectiveness. Love. The last one scared him, he could understand the others, he hated Spock for making an unbeatable test but at the same time if he hadn't they wouldn't have met. Anger at being marooned on Delta Vega, that planet was cold damn it! All he tried to do was help and he got marooned as a thank you. Protectiveness at him having been through so much, during the mind meld with Spock Prime he had felt how much it hurt, how _deeply_ it hurt to lose his planet and the younger Spock could add losing his mother to that as well. James Tiberius Kirk was many things but heartless was not one of them, he wouldn't wish that on anyone and didn't want anyone or anything to hurt him more. But love? That threw him for a loop, he supposes that Spock is nice looking, beautiful one might say but he was so wound up.

He wished he could talk to someone about it but who could he talk to? Bones? He'd laugh him out of sickbay after asking him if he was 'out of his goddamn mind' as he so eloquently put it. Yes, Jim Kirk the Iowa hick who isn't good enough for anything but farm animals (according to Uhura) knows words like eloquently and how to use them properly. He couldn't talk to Scotty about it, the man may be a brilliant engineer and a good drinking buddy but he wasn't one for heart to hearts. The thought of going and drinking with Scotty was too tempting so he quickly refocused his thoughts before he 'forgot' he was on shift first thing tomorrow. Chekov was out of the question too, he did think of the kid as a younger brother already but he couldn't talk to him about how he thinks he's in love with his first officer. If he messed up his head Sulu would have his head mounted on a plaque in his room. Uhura was also out for that reason if she decided to even keep evidence of his death, he had no doubt she could kill him and make it look like he had never existed let alone died (saviour of the Earth be damned). Plus the fact her and Spock were dating would make it awkward for him to just walk up to her and say "I think I'm in love with Spock even though he doesn't show his emotions, if he even has any towards me it's probably hatred". Yea, he wasn't saying that no way, no how not even if you threatened to show that video of him back in high school drunk off his ass in a dress singing I Want To Dance With Somebody by some 20th Century artist. He would watch that with you smiling and maintaining he has a great singing voice and the short length of the dress made his legs look killer and the blue shade of it made his eyes pop. That's how sure he was that he would never say anything like that to Uhura.

That left Sulu out of all the command crew (he would not talk to Spock about it, never mind the awkwardness see the above reason for not telling Uhura but with more credibility because 'Vulcan's do not lie' – bullshit, they may not lie but they bend the truth to suit them which is the same thing). Actually Sulu may know what he feels like, to have these screwed up feelings for someone that you shouldn't have them for and that if anyone found out they would think you were taking advantage of that person. With this in mind he left his quarters at a leisurely pace and started to walk towards Hikaru's.

However when Hikaru answered his door (after the third ring) he found his favourite pilot and companion in unrequited love with messy hair and bruised red lips. Taking one look at him Jim smiled bitter sweetly it seemed Hikaru's love was not unrequited after all and that him and Chekov would most likely want some privacy. Straightening up he looked Hikaru in the eyes and told him "Don't hurt him, he's a little brother to me and I would hate to have to beat up a friend for hurting my brother."

He didn't expect the "I won't" Hikaru squeaked out or the hug he got from Pavel who looked like he was about to start crying even with that smile on his face at having been called Jim's brother. The "I zink of you as a brother too" was barely heard as Jim told them to go have fun with a wink to Hikaru.

Walking down the hall and around the corner Jim let himself fall back against the wall with his head hung. He didn't believe in no-win scenarios but this seemed a bit hopeless, in love with his stoic first officer who had shown nothing but contempt for him so far with his only ally having just found the love he was hoping for. Jim stayed leaning against the wall for a minute before deciding that it didn't matter if he was on shift first thing tomorrow, he needed a drink. Now.

His plan however was stopped in it's tracks when he started to walk to Scotty's quarters and found himself in front of the first officer he was hopelessly in (unrequited) love with. Taking a deep breath in he looked up into Spock's eyes and took in the shock evident in them before being asked why he was crying. Reaching his hand up to his face he found that Spock was right, there were tears on his face that he didn't remember crying. He sent a smile at Spock that had a hint of sarcasm in it before telling him he wouldn't understand and trying to move away he needed that drink more than ever now.

He didn't get more than a step away when the sound of Spock's voice quiet with a hint of hurt in it froze him in his tracks "why would I not understand Captain? Just because I repress my emotions does not mean I am not capable of them or understanding the burdens they cause." When Jim finally found his tongue again he had turned to face Spock once more and felt like the weight of the world was on his shoulders. He could end this now tell Spock he loved him and be done with it, it might ruin whatever progress towards friendship they had made and cause him the loss of the best first officer and communications officer the fleet had ever known but it would be over. Instead he found his eyes welling up once more before he told Spock "I know you're capable of emotions Spock but you wouldn't understand this one, it's a purely human one that causes some of the best and worst things a person experiences. I am in love. Before you tell me that love is not purely human, I am in love with someone whom I can not have someone who has a love of their own yet I find myself unable and unwilling to try and get over them. I want them to be happy but I stupidly wish it were with me they were happy not the one they are with. I am in intoxicating, selfish, stupid, unrequited love with someone who will never love me back."

As the tears in his eyes fell he found a pale elegant hand come up to his face and wipe them away with an equally soft voice telling him "Who could not love you Captain?". He couldn't help it, Spock probably thought he was mad but he started laughing hard before telling him "The same person who still refers to me as Captain after months of requests to call me Jim, the same person who has just asked me who _couldn't_ love me is the same person who _doesn't_ love me the one person who will _never_ love me." It was Spock's turn to freeze up as he heard the words his Captain said.

Jim just patted his wrist and sighed before turning to finally go get that drink from Scotty which he felt he deserved. He soon found his way blocked by the material of his first officer's uniform and found himself being pulled into a kiss by said first officer.

There was still many things to talk about (Uhura being one of them) before they could be together and Jim was still a little broken but he found himself unable to care about anything when he had his first officer in his arms and his tongue in his mouth. So Jim aloud himself to stand there in the middle of the corridor clinging to Spock for dear life while they kissed until he felt like he couldn't breath. Maybe he wasn't in unrequited love after all.


End file.
